The huge-penis dilemma

Most people figure I spend 23 hours, 55 minutes a day having sex. Well obviously, yes, I am a massively popular superhero with a chiseled chest, a pet dinosaur and a battery-operated stone club that vibrates at supersonic speeds. What more does a chick want?

To be perfectly blunt, if you're talking just raw numbers, the number of chicks that Wilt Chamberlain allegedly bagged in his entire life is a slow week for me. But enough stating the obvious, this here blog is about a far more pressing and depressing issue.

For me, "morning wood" is like waking up in bed next to a humpback whale, because that is approximately the size of my erect penis. In the morning I cannot fit through a doorway for my morning piss unless I think about Rosanne Barr for 10 minutes or do a crossword puzzle.

What this means is that, though I can score more ass than a toilet seat, that doesn't translate to anything more than two thrusts per chick, because by then they are so ravaged they needs to be rolled out of my cave on one of those big flatbed carts you use at Costco to push around 50 pound bags of rice. So in reality, lots of Xbox-nerds with tiny penises actually probably have more sex than me in terms of duration because they can pound their ugly girlfriends for hours without the girls even feeling anything.

A little food for thought.

Secret identities -- What a pain in the @$^#%

An annoying predicament faced by the vast majority of superheroes is how to keep their secret identity secret. For some, it is easy. Superman just puts on those 60s-era nerd glasses and -- voila -- instant fool-proof secret identity: mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet, Clark Kent.

However, Supes actually confided in me one time that though his secret identity seems simple on the surface, it actually is a pain in the ass to maintain and he wishes he'd chosen a different disguise for himself way-back-when. Specifically, since he spends about 90% of his time as Kent, he wishes he had thought of adopting more of a disguise as part of his Superman persona -- that way he wouldn't be wearing unnecessary dorky glasses 90% of the time. Perhaps a groucho Marx mustache or Leonard Nimoy Vulcan Ears or something. The problem with those is that they would burn up while flying through the atmosphere of the Earth, but still, it's a dilemma.

The second problem is that, with the ever-increasing prevalence of LASIK eye surgery, it is getting more and more difficult to explain to Lois and Jimmy why he is still fussing with glasses at all.

Of course, the more perplexing question is why can't Lois and Jimmy recognize Kent is Supes despite the glasses? The answer, sir, is because he also tones down his heroic tenor voice so that it sounds meeker, natch. So you see, it is very plausible that nobody can recognize him.

That said, it is certainly much easier for me to maintain my secret identity seeing as how I, Mightor, outweigh Tor (my alter ego) by 200 pounds and am a full foot taller. Not to mention much better-looking. With such a disparity in physical characteristics, I don't need to bother with glasses or any of that other nonsense. My alter ego is fool-proof and nigh undetectable.

I guess the only question that remains is, considering how awesome I am as Mightor, and what a tool Tor is -- why don't I just remain Mightor 100% of the time? And the answer of course is -- because that would destroy the delicate awesome/non-awesome balance of the universe, which would result in a massive a space-time rift that would wreak havoc across the cosmos and cause horrific impossibilities such as the Earth crashing into the sun. Stephen Hawking even theorized that it might result in a full reunion of New Kids on the Block. Thankfully, the only time I spend as Mightor is when I'm either fighting villains or going on a date (or writing this blog).

Reader Query: Who is more powerful Mightor or Superman?

Q: Dear Mightor - I know you are very mighty and your awesomeness knows no bounds, but Superman is generally regarded as the most powerful superhero ever. So I guess my question is, who would win in a fight, you or Superman? (Bob Blanco, Charlotte, NC)

A: Bob, A much better question would be: "Who would win in a fight, Superman or my pinkie?" Supes is a good friend of mine, and we do get together from time to time to watch porn and play Risk together, but c'mon now, there is no contest when it comes to who is more powerful or awesomer in general. Superman's powers are derived from the yellow sun. Extinguish said yellow sun with blustery Mightor breath. Fight over.