May the punishment fit the crime

It has recently come to my attention that crime sucks.

And fighting crime sucks even more--you know why? Because too often, once I beat down a criminal, our system of (in)-justice that currently stands in place hardly does anything to deter no-good-niks from committing felonies. I mean, how many crackheads, gangbangers, spammers, child molesters, rapists, inside traders, jewel thieves and dvd pirates will I have to put away before all crime is crushed?

That number is infinite.

The reason is because say there's a South LA gang murderer that thinks he's hot shit shooting his illegally obtained gun in some dumb gang dispute that nobody cares about and hits some innocent 4 year old kid. So of course I crush the guy and want to lubicate said firearm with tabasco sauce, fingernail shavings and candy sprinkles and shove it up his cornhole. The justice system says I can't do that so I have to turn him over to the "authorities" and the dumbass gets a shortened sentence on some blamed technicality. Then his crappy-ass stupid scrotum of a cousin starts doing the same thing, which I stop by bitch-slapping his beak into his brain. By the time that guy slogs through the legal system to get his own cush sentence, the original guy is already back on the streets pimping hos and trading coke for more guns.

I propose a new brand of justice I'd like to institute, where the punishment fits the crime. I guarantee a minimum 90% decrease in crime if we follow-through on these innovative ideas:

Petty thief = hand cut off
rapist = penis cut off or nuts cut off (his choice, i'm not a barbarian)
murderer = arms cut off as well as penis and nuts
car thief = whichever foot used to hit gas pedal -- cut off
e-mail spammers = fingers cut off
flasher = underwear sewn onto body
drunk driver = liver removed
Cocaine user = nostrils plugged with cement
Heroin user = body encased in puncture proof, bullet proof steel
Money launderer = lobotomize brain center that enables counting of money
Gang member = tattoos of disney characters on their shaved heads
Bad parents = spayed or neutered
Lying politician = voicebox removed

The great thing is that we can lay off all judges and people won't have to waste time on jury duty anymore, since I will be the one to decide one's guilt or innocence. And obviously, in most cases if a guy is accused of a crime--he's guilty! Especially if he's the CEO of a conglomerate or has a swastika tattoo on his elbow.

I am still working on some other novel ideas but this is a good work in progress. Why waste taxpayer money by incarcerating these wastes of space? Many victims of crime complain that they face psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Let's even the score by making sure a rapist misses his penis for the rest of his life.

If you don't agree with me, you've either committed a crime or plan to do so. That means you better not sleep, because I'm coming for your ass.