Warhol's Masterpieces

May the punishment fit the crime

It has recently come to my attention that crime sucks.

And fighting crime sucks even more--you know why? Because too often, once I beat down a criminal, our system of (in)-justice that currently stands in place hardly does anything to deter no-good-niks from committing felonies. I mean, how many crackheads, gangbangers, spammers, child molesters, rapists, inside traders, jewel thieves and dvd pirates will I have to put away before all crime is crushed?

That number is infinite.

The reason is because say there's a South LA gang murderer that thinks he's hot shit shooting his illegally obtained gun in some dumb gang dispute that nobody cares about and hits some innocent 4 year old kid. So of course I crush the guy and want to lubicate said firearm with tabasco sauce, fingernail shavings and candy sprinkles and shove it up his cornhole. The justice system says I can't do that so I have to turn him over to the "authorities" and the dumbass gets a shortened sentence on some blamed technicality. Then his crappy-ass stupid scrotum of a cousin starts doing the same thing, which I stop by bitch-slapping his beak into his brain. By the time that guy slogs through the legal system to get his own cush sentence, the original guy is already back on the streets pimping hos and trading coke for more guns.

I propose a new brand of justice I'd like to institute, where the punishment fits the crime. I guarantee a minimum 90% decrease in crime if we follow-through on these innovative ideas:

Petty thief = hand cut off
rapist = penis cut off or nuts cut off (his choice, i'm not a barbarian)
murderer = arms cut off as well as penis and nuts
car thief = whichever foot used to hit gas pedal -- cut off
e-mail spammers = fingers cut off
flasher = underwear sewn onto body
drunk driver = liver removed
Cocaine user = nostrils plugged with cement
Heroin user = body encased in puncture proof, bullet proof steel
Money launderer = lobotomize brain center that enables counting of money
Gang member = tattoos of disney characters on their shaved heads
Bad parents = spayed or neutered
Lying politician = voicebox removed

The great thing is that we can lay off all judges and people won't have to waste time on jury duty anymore, since I will be the one to decide one's guilt or innocence. And obviously, in most cases if a guy is accused of a crime--he's guilty! Especially if he's the CEO of a conglomerate or has a swastika tattoo on his elbow.

I am still working on some other novel ideas but this is a good work in progress. Why waste taxpayer money by incarcerating these wastes of space? Many victims of crime complain that they face psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Let's even the score by making sure a rapist misses his penis for the rest of his life.

If you don't agree with me, you've either committed a crime or plan to do so. That means you better not sleep, because I'm coming for your ass.

The huge-penis dilemma

Most people figure I spend 23 hours, 55 minutes a day having sex. Well obviously, yes, I am a massively popular superhero with a chiseled chest, a pet dinosaur and a battery-operated stone club that vibrates at supersonic speeds. What more does a chick want?

To be perfectly blunt, if you're talking just raw numbers, the number of chicks that Wilt Chamberlain allegedly bagged in his entire life is a slow week for me. But enough stating the obvious, this here blog is about a far more pressing and depressing issue.

For me, "morning wood" is like waking up in bed next to a humpback whale, because that is approximately the size of my erect penis. In the morning I cannot fit through a doorway for my morning piss unless I think about Rosanne Barr for 10 minutes or do a crossword puzzle.

What this means is that, though I can score more ass than a toilet seat, that doesn't translate to anything more than two thrusts per chick, because by then they are so ravaged they needs to be rolled out of my cave on one of those big flatbed carts you use at Costco to push around 50 pound bags of rice. So in reality, lots of Xbox-nerds with tiny penises actually probably have more sex than me in terms of duration because they can pound their ugly girlfriends for hours without the girls even feeling anything.

A little food for thought.

Secret identities -- What a pain in the @$^#%

An annoying predicament faced by the vast majority of superheroes is how to keep their secret identity secret. For some, it is easy. Superman just puts on those 60s-era nerd glasses and -- voila -- instant fool-proof secret identity: mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet, Clark Kent.

However, Supes actually confided in me one time that though his secret identity seems simple on the surface, it actually is a pain in the ass to maintain and he wishes he'd chosen a different disguise for himself way-back-when. Specifically, since he spends about 90% of his time as Kent, he wishes he had thought of adopting more of a disguise as part of his Superman persona -- that way he wouldn't be wearing unnecessary dorky glasses 90% of the time. Perhaps a groucho Marx mustache or Leonard Nimoy Vulcan Ears or something. The problem with those is that they would burn up while flying through the atmosphere of the Earth, but still, it's a dilemma.

The second problem is that, with the ever-increasing prevalence of LASIK eye surgery, it is getting more and more difficult to explain to Lois and Jimmy why he is still fussing with glasses at all.

Of course, the more perplexing question is why can't Lois and Jimmy recognize Kent is Supes despite the glasses? The answer, sir, is because he also tones down his heroic tenor voice so that it sounds meeker, natch. So you see, it is very plausible that nobody can recognize him.

That said, it is certainly much easier for me to maintain my secret identity seeing as how I, Mightor, outweigh Tor (my alter ego) by 200 pounds and am a full foot taller. Not to mention much better-looking. With such a disparity in physical characteristics, I don't need to bother with glasses or any of that other nonsense. My alter ego is fool-proof and nigh undetectable.

I guess the only question that remains is, considering how awesome I am as Mightor, and what a tool Tor is -- why don't I just remain Mightor 100% of the time? And the answer of course is -- because that would destroy the delicate awesome/non-awesome balance of the universe, which would result in a massive a space-time rift that would wreak havoc across the cosmos and cause horrific impossibilities such as the Earth crashing into the sun. Stephen Hawking even theorized that it might result in a full reunion of New Kids on the Block. Thankfully, the only time I spend as Mightor is when I'm either fighting villains or going on a date (or writing this blog).

Reader Query: Who is more powerful Mightor or Superman?

Q: Dear Mightor - I know you are very mighty and your awesomeness knows no bounds, but Superman is generally regarded as the most powerful superhero ever. So I guess my question is, who would win in a fight, you or Superman? (Bob Blanco, Charlotte, NC)

A: Bob, A much better question would be: "Who would win in a fight, Superman or my pinkie?" Supes is a good friend of mine, and we do get together from time to time to watch porn and play Risk together, but c'mon now, there is no contest when it comes to who is more powerful or awesomer in general. Superman's powers are derived from the yellow sun. Extinguish said yellow sun with blustery Mightor breath. Fight over.

Reader's Question: Are You Bald?

Q: Mightor -- Thank you for being so awesome in everything you do. I saw you throw that mastadon in season 1, episode 3. That was amazing! Anyways, my question is, do you wear that horned helmet because you are balding? The reason why I ask is because I am bald, and it would make me feel a lot better about myself to have something in common with Mighty Mightor, the greatest superhero of all time! - Luke Stevenson (Portland, OR)

A: Sorry to crush your dreams, Luke, but you are nothing like me. My punches are so powerful that even when I miss hitting something, the resultant shockwave caused by my fist hitting air molecules is felt in outer space and can cause a star to supernova! Heck, even my sneezes are so cataclysmic that if I don't cover my mouth properly I might wipe out and an entire continent (see: Atlantis, destruction of). Even my germs are so powerful that one of my bacterias could cause all life to be destroyed (see: Dinosaurs, extinction of). Fortunately, I always carry a hankie.

Anyways, the reason why I wear the horns is the same reason I do anything in my life--because they are awesome. I mean, the devil has horns too, how rad is that?! Of course I'm not balding. Name a bald superhero--That's right, you can't! The closest you can come is Lex Luthor, and he's a bad guy!

Just to appease your curiosity, I have flowing locks of golden blonde hair akin to that of Greek God. Like it's any of your business, anyways.

The best Star Wars movie since 1983 was...

Now I understand what geeks do with their time. It's not like they're having sex or anything...

How to fight evil, tip #1: Wear a cup

One of the questions I am most frequently asked as an awesome crime-fighting superhero is how to defeat evil. Obviously, this is not a question I can answer in one measly blog post. Fighting crime is not just a mindset, it's an entire lifestyle--It needs to permeate everything you do, from what brand of cologne you wear to what kind of breakfast cereal you prefer (Fruit Loops with strawberries). I will further address these things in future blogs, but there is one accoutrement that is essential over all others, which you must know before any encounter with a disciple of evil: Wear a protective cup. Because if all of my years of battling the seamy underbelly of society have taught me one thing, it's that crime like to administer blows to the crotch.

Natch, I think it goes without saying that you do not want to cheap out on this, that is why I recommend the Shock Doctor BasiX Protective Gear Men's Compression Shorts with Flex Cup ($30) the Official Protective Cup of Mighty Mightortm.

However, if you are Scrooge McMiserly and prefer to be a thrifty superhero, the Champion Sports Mens Athletic Cup ($6.09) will do in a pinch., just don't expect it to last long against the evil horde of Cavern Creatures.

Even my super strength can't stop this injustice

Being the remarkably awesome superhero that I am, I am frequently called upon to fight those that are perpetrating injustice on the innocent. Not unlike the A-Team, if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and you can find me, maybe you can hire Mighty Mightor.

But in some rare cases (very rare cases, as in Hale-Bopp comet rare) there is a problem that I cannot stop, despite my unmeasurable abs and pecs, my ability to make a volcano explode by punching it and my flying speed of approximately Mach 100,000. Such a problem is the Writers Guild of America, but not the fact that they are currently striking for a bigger cut of dvd and online residuals for programming that they write. No, the real problem is that people with jobs this cushy even have a union.

Wikipedia describes a labor union as a "continuous association of wage earners for the purpose of maintaining or improving the conditions of their employment." Fair enough. Labor unions date back to the guilds of medieval Europe, and were designed to protect people that were working in downtrodden conditions and needed defense against being mistreated, such as metal workers, garment workers, women of the night, miners, etc.

Notice that I did not mention screenwriters or baseball players. There's a reason for that. Unions and guilds were erected to benefit workers that -- let's be honest here -- were at the lower rungs of the economic totem pole and basically had no choice but to work in their particular profession or otherwise starve and perish.

Baseball players and screenwriters do not occupy such territory. In fact, I would argue that they (as well as superheroes) are quite possibly the groups of people that least require unions . They occupy an elite rung of society, one of prestige and power that is rife with extreme perks that millions of people would die to have. Contrast this to the perks enjoyed by the guy who mops up pee water on the floors of bathrooms at Dodger Stadium. His profession is not as popular, or a easy. Hence, that guy needs a labor union much worse than Michael Crichton or Alex Rodriguez.

It is important to note that superheroes do not have a union, because we are the very elite of society and everyone wants to be like us. I enjoy being a defender of freedom and a defeater of chaos because -- while it's nice helping people -- i get to fight crime in a loin cloth with my pecs showing.

Interesting side note: Super-villains actually have a union, and to be honest they need it more than anyone else. Because they constantly are being mistreated -- namely by me!

Reason #1,091 Why it sucks being Mightor

Everybody thinks being Mightor is awesome. Well, it is awesome, but there's a lot of crap that comes with being an animated superhero, and it's not just paparazzi. When I leave my cave, I'm not looking out for shutterbugs; I'm on the lookout for supervillains.

I laugh in Jennifer Aniston's face when she talks about "aggressive" photographers. Aggressive is not some pot bellied shlub camping out in front of your house for eight hours. Aggressive is bird men swooping out of the sky dropping flaming feces on you when you leave the cave to get a sandwich. That's a normal day for me. But that comes with the territory of being a supremely awesome superhero, it's not just a 9-to-5 job anymore. Kragor and the Cavern Creatures are not waiting for an engraved invitation to attack, theyll ambush me at the most inopportune time, whether I'm making nookie with my girlfriend or dropping a bomb in the hole. You have to be on guard at all times and have your head on a swivel, so to speak.

Mighty Mightor FAQs

FAQs with Mightor

Q: What's it like being so awesome?

A: I get this question a lot, and the only way I can answer it is with a question of my own--what's it like being not awesome? I wouldn't know, because I'm so awesome. But I'm sure it's not as awesome as being awesome.

Q: How can I become a superhero like you?

A: Face facts, you most likely will never be like me. Unless you happen to save the life of a strange hermit who rewards you with a super-powered club which grants you amazing powers. But even then, you have to have the same awesomeness gene that I have, and it's a rare gene. But on the bright side, you can be part of my street team and let people know how awesome I am and generally spread the word of my awesomness to those who don't know yet. And then I'll send you an autographed picture of me.

Q: What's it like living in prehistoric times?

A: I won't lie to you, it's no bed of roses having no electricity, no indoor plumbing and no ice cream. On the other hand, the ozone layer is intact and there are no cops, so you take the good with the bad.

Q: How can I get a massive physique like yours?

A: Sabertooth tiger wrestling for shoulders and triceps. Boulder lifting for back. Jumping over volcanoes for legs.

Q: Why is the adjective that is always used to describe you "mighty?" Why don't you have a cooler adjective?

A: All of the good adjectives were already taken by (less powerful) superheroes. Spider-Man is "amazing," the Hulk is "incredible," Iron Man is "invincible" and the X-Men are "uncanny." So you see, many of the cool adjectives were already used up. Though to be honest, I always liked Awesome Mightor, but alliteration is key to superheroes, and I needed a word that started with "M." It came down to either mighty or majestic. I picked mighty because it made me sound stronger; majestic, though cool, doesn't really convey how powerful I am, it just makes it sound like I am majestic like a bald eagle. Bald eagles are are not mighty, they are endangered, so I'd rather not be associated with them.

Q: What's the greatest feat of strength that you ever performed?

A: People make a big deal out of Superman flying around the Earth to reverse it's rotation. What many people don't realize is that the Earth used to have a second sun, which I punched with my massive fist and it exploded into a million pieces. Those million pieces are known to you as "stars."