Mightor's Musings #1: Douchebag dilemma

Remember in Superman the Movie when Superman reversed the rotation of the Earth to turn back time so Lois Lane wouldn't die?

Well, if I could do this, I would prevent the creation of skewed baseball caps, Affliction-brand t-shirts, tattoos and low-cut jeans. That way, douchebags would have absolutely zero means of expressing themselves.

Behind the Scenes of Episode 1: The Monster Keeper

The Smithsonian recently did a poll of scholars and eminent pop culture experts to pinpoint the single greatest moment in the history of the human civilization. Runner-up was the December 25, 0000, I can't remember exactly who but somebody important was born that day. Of course, #1 in a landslide was September 9, 1967. For those few deaf, dumb and blind people unaware of the significance of that date that might be reading this, that was the date that a certain program starring a certain epic cartoon character first premiered. That show was entitled Moby Dick and Mighty Mightor. I don't think I need to tell you who that great character was, but I'll give you a hint: it wasn't Moby Dick, though his penis has been called Moby Dick.

That stupendous first episode, which has been oft-studied, quoted and emulated by PhD's, archeologists, and generally all intelligent people that wear glasses, have fancy titles like "Doctor" and smoke those big sweet smelly pipes that you buy at the Tinder Box. Entitled "The Monster Keeper," has aged like fine wine over these past 40+ years and continues to age with each passing day like a good bottle of Two-Buck Chuck.

But behind the scenes, not every was as rosy as it appeared. That was my first episode and I was still working out the kinks a little bit. The plot was very complex and the Korg, the Monster Keeper, was a real prick. Long story short, the director asked me to take it easy on the dinosaurs I was fighting. Instead of pummeling their skulls into french toast with my incredibly massive fists, the asked me to merely throw them a thousand feet into the air to appease the censors. Weak sauce. Still, I have fond memories of that first ep.

How can you tell if a guy is a douche?

If he wears a hat inside, that's a dead giveaway. Especially if it is a baseball cap that is tilted at a calculated angle and is not affiliated with a major league baseball team. Not only is that a douche signifier, but he's probably bald or has a horrible hairline that he is trying to hide, too. Weak sauce, bitch.

Kid meet tiger; tiger eat kid

Everybody has been asking me about the tiger that killed that kid at the zoo in San Francisco. You mess with nature, nature will mess with you, you know what I'm saying?

It's not like the tiger killed somebody's 70 year old grandmother. It was a 17 year old punk kid who thought he was cool taunting the tiger; the fact that the two friends are not helping in the investigation speaks volumes for the integrity of these kids, they're troublemakers, pure and simple.

There is no shortage of rotten kids, too bad we don't have enough tigers to go around. Though I got to tell you, as far as ways to go, death by tiger mauling ain't bad.

I wonder if the deceased's parents will sue over this. (That's sarcasm, of course they will). So they'll get millions of dollars for raising a rotten kid. Congratulations to them.